So ironic it's for the holidays, a season I've always felt deeply disconnected to
It's hard trying to explain why you aren't interested in going home for the holidays. Why even going back for your nieces and nephew is no longer enough. That you would rather stay at school then deal with any of them.
No one sees anything beyond themselves. They do not understand me when I speak about the multitude of ways they manipulate my emotions, or weaken my character. They can't understand, because they do not care enough to reach beyond themselves.
For two years now I have been attempting to rebuild myself, but broken down time-and-time again when I return home. There is so much hatred in my heart for them, and I hate it. I truly do. But it won't go away. There is no way that I can successfully be the woman that I want to be, with them weighing me down. Which is so messed up to say because they're family, but I don't want them.
It makes me feel like I don't deserve certain things that I've worked hard to either have or maintain.