Elaine Welteroth| 2019 | Book
I knew as soon as she released it, Elaine's book was for me.
Released in 2019, her book tour was my first introduction to the biracial, multi-hyphenate woman I quickly grew to deeply admire and closely follow now.
After a vision board date with two new girlfriends, I finally claimed my copy - five years later.
Elaine is astounding. Specifically in the ways she weaves poignant themes throughout her complex lived journey ... but to be honest, one the most shocking parts are her mention of Eva Chen and Bozoma Saint John - two women I closely follow on IG in admiration (+ Darian). How wild to see my mind's mentors in fellowship within these pages!!!
So much of the book felt fitting for this particular time in my life, but the mention of two powerhouses I randomly discovered, was a necessary life kiss to remind me that the women I'm attracted to .. the woman I attract .. the woman I am, are one.
Welteroth Words I Loved...
"I believe there are universal gems buried in the stories women never tell." (xv)
"...overlooked, overwhelmed, underestimated, undervalued, and still chooses to overcome" (xvl)
C1 - Born Enough
"...filled with the unmistakable delight of a woman getting exactly what she wanted. (2)
"ray of light" (4)
C3 - Brown Girl Boss
"But those early affirmations, those moments of feeling seen - particularly by the man who created you - they matter so much to a little girl" (30)
"...depression quietly plagued our family since before I could remember" (32)
"The problem was that he seemed powerless over his own demons - or 'lesser angels'" (32)
"I didn't have any control over the outcome, so I held my breath and gripped the armrest the whole way there, praying that we would be okay." (33)
"When I look back, I see a little girl running, pushing, working creatively to compensate for things that were beyond her control." (34)
"So I worked harder to deny failure and shame a place in my life"
"No matter what, I got back up and positioned myself in the light"
"But like a shadow, shame follows wherever you go. Until you make peace with it"
This section was one of the most affirming of the entire book. Divinely, I type this after 24 hours filled with dual conversations with my Sheridan cousins and Big Ray, about my mother. Her depressive loneliness that enabled her to cling to alcohol and fraud ... a stifling lifestyle for me, a child.
C4 - Pretty or Butt Ugly
"Self-doubt began to fester in the spaces that limitless possibility once occupied" (39)
C5 - Ride or Die Syndrome
"If he didn't show, I became his de facto spokesperson, suddenly responsible for explaining his whereabouts. It was one of the wifely duties I took pride in..." (47)
"As a relatively good girl who pretty much followed the rules, I was seen as a good influence....even his parents trusted me to help keep him focused on the right things" (47)
"I'd felt this before as a little girl in the car with my dad. I was scared, but when fear is familiar it keeps you holding on - and its grip works both ways" (52)
Immediately transported to driving back from Aunt Lisa's party, car full of things she stole from their house, and my mom's car skimming the guard rails. The next morning, she came into my room and asked why I let her drive. But the last time when we were at Aunt Anita's house and I begged to stay, when she said yes and we slept on the blow mattress together as their friend got in with us and started feeling her up - "Stop my daughter's sleeping right here." Be careful what you ask for.
"I was all in. Committed to the commitment. Even when it wasn't fun for me anymore. All because I didn't know how to let go." (54)
"By then, we had been together for three years and it felt impossible to leave him at what appeared to be his lowest point. So instead, I just existed at his lowest with him." (54)
And when I came up for air, I realized I'd been drowning. Two years. It's taken to feel freed.
"No matter where I was or what I was doing ... I didn't want him to feel abandoned" (57)
"He knew the guilt, the shame , the tug between life out here and life in there ... letting go of the lies, seeing into each other's shadows - set us both free" (59) JBB
"Grateful for another opportunity to get it right ... for the lesson that life is too short to lose sight of where you're headed, to get distracted by anything that threatens to get in the way of where you're meant to go" (60)
C6 - Black Enough
"... a certain permission to participate more fully in my Black identity" (63)
"Growing up, the Black girls generally ... made me feel like an unwelcome intruder. There was always a tension I hated. A Wall I struggled to penetrate. To be rejected this way by my own people was something I took personally" (65)
"The feeling of otherness came at me... from both sides... the longing for belonging is uniquely complicated a s a biracial kid" (67)
"It's a trippy thing to be lured into a false sense of inclusion" (68)
"this invisible culture divide... it felt fragile and precarious" (69)
"I told him... or maybe I didn't. Maybe the words got stuck in my throat" (72)
".. in our culture that connects us, being part of the Black experience is being bonded by the painful and sometimes violent experience of exclusion" (73)
C7 - I am Not My Hair
"... the White Mom Club .. in some ways, like a remarkably different experience from mine altogether ... find this topic fascinating" (78)
"Meeting [professor M. Foss] was like discovering a compass at a time in my life when I felt like I was wandering in the wilderness" (78)
"... understand the powerful role I could play in breaking some of that down, just by how I chose to show up in certain spaces." (79)
"I didn't want to be a part of perpetuating that myth [of Black men pursuing light skin women]" (81)
"You are bigger than you even know ... it seemed like a good omen and it left me feeling sparkly, like I had a good aura accompanying me on this trip" (84)
"I was finally waking up to my own possibilities, and to a deeper realization of the power of vision and faith - two of the most important tools I would beed on my journey" (85)
"This was a reminder that there is a divine order, a divine flow to our lives. We don't need to have all the answers. But our job is to keep on dreaming and trusting enough to put one foot in front of the other. To keep moving forward. To keep pushing beyond whatever feels confining. To keep searching for where the magic is. To keep searching for where the magic is. to continue expanding, staying open to being stretched. And allowing room to be completely awed by how much better it gets along the way." (85)
When your dreams are bigger than the places you find yourself in, sometimes you need to seek out your own reminders that there is more. And there is always more waiting for you on the other side of fear (83)
C8 - A Different Kind of White
"Life transitions are our biggest opportunities for growth. They push us to become the fierce heroes of our own stories." (89)
C9 - The College Crisis
"I felt overwhelmed and intimated ... by the entire world. And the daunting notion of figuring out where I belonged in it" (95)
"...always wanted a career that felt like less of a choice and more of a calling. But in order to heed the call, I had to quiet all the noise in my head. And the fear in my heart" (96)
"... I pulled away from shallow friendships that were taking me nowhere, prayed hard for clarity on my next move, and searched for signs that could point me in the direction of my destiny." (97)
"This period was scary as hell ... it was absolutely necessary. It felt like it was all a part of a much larger self discovery process" (97)
"These jobs just never seemed attainable for someone like me, with no connections in that glossy media world" (99)
"cracked the code to building a thriving career across multiple media platforms and empowering women along the way just by being her authentic self... carved out a lane of ... style, spirituality and Black culture" (100)
"High above the clouds, we huddled together and challenged each other to share one thing we really, really wanted" (102)
".. chimed in with enthusiasm you can't fake"
"These were women I trusted. Women I respected. and they believed I could do this ... they affirmed me in the moment I needed it most" (103)
"... women who saw the bigness of the possibilities in front of me" (104)
"I could start to see myself where I wanted to be" (104)
"... a seed I needed to protect" (104)
C10 - Your Dreams Are Calling
"If you know what you want, ask for it. And be specific. You might just get it." (112)
"... a truly confident leader stands in her power without using it o make others feel small. She ran the show with integrity, grace, kindness and class" (116)
"But when we are brave enough - to go there, to grab what we want, to tap into who we are - damn, it feels so good" (117)
C12 - Are You My Husband?
"Looking back now, I realize we need to learn as women to trust that bad feeling the first time, and not try to will it away." (150)
"What I initially perceived as intellectual airs, I cam to see as learned survival tactics..." (151)
"I was a magnet more drawn to their warmth, their sincerity, and their soulfullness than to any of their accolades" (152)
"They positioned me not only to stand out but also to stand firm in what I believed in" (160)
C13 - When It All Falls Down
"The cyclical mistreatment I was experiencing was invisible.. and so I kept covering up how awful I was feeling inside"
"Looking back, I recognize what I felt more than anything was confused and completely powerless..." (167)
C15 - New World Order
"Any time the deep yearning for representation was fulfilled, it felt refreshing and necessary" (198)
C16 - Disturbing the Peace
"In order to change the stories, you must change the storytellers" (215)
C18 - Lemonade
"The higher up we get, the more apologies we are expected to make for our power" (240)
Bozoma Saint John!!! (241)
"... take up all the space she wants in her office, and in the world, pretty damn revolutionary" (242)
"...represented a head-to-toe embodiment of a woman enjoying the freedom of brining her authentic self to work every single day" (242)
"This was presumably her first time experiencing what it is to be the minority in a meeting, and her White fragility was already showing .... I learned how quickly a sense of safety in a relationship could be interrupted" (245)
C19 - Weight of the World
"The wall I had unconsciously built up over time to shield my heart in the aftermath of stories like these [Black tragedy]" (250)
"That toxic brew of White privilege and unexamined White fragility still makes me stew" (254)
C20 - The Ones We've Been Waiting For
"It seemed to confirm any sense we'd been living in two different Americas all along" (263)
C21 - Burning Out
"The truth is I had formed these bad habits long before ... I had been running myself ragged my whole life .. I've always been on the go, with business to handle, shit to do, big dreams to chase" (273)
"I erupted into the kind of sobs someone cries when they've lost someone they love. And I had. Myself. I'd lost her in the day-to-day grind. In the process of becoming the woman I always wanted to be, I forgot that it involved becoming a whole person, not just the success story I had been trying to write my whole life." (274)
"someone who buries herself in work and inadvertently avoids participating in her own life" (275)
"... a kid's overcorrection to her parents' struggles manifested into a fear of failure that drove me into a relentless, myopic race with myself, one that had no end in sight" (275)
"and you know there is no safety net if you fail" (275)
"... let go of busy thoughts and began to connect more fully in the present... Reiki" (276)
"But your body and soul have a way of telling you when the music is changing ... born with will like steel" (278)
C22 - End of an Era
"The idea was to create an interactive safe space for the incredible, like-minded young activists, creators and innovators who had formed a community online around our new mission.... The vision was to bring them together in real life for an immersive experience to meet one another, build important connections and be inspired but the women they looked up to" (281)
"... sometimes there is more honor in losing a battle with dignity than in winning a war without it" (283)
C23 - A Dream Realized
"Real love that calms every roaring wave inside you with a certain steadfast grace, powerful enough to remind you of your own strength" (295)
"I was back on my feet, polished andput togehter, finally feeling in charge of my life again" (296)
ME right now!! March 2023 without a dooubt that I'm moving in my purpose.
"What had all started as a line item on my career bucket list was now a beautiful reality" (298)
"Not giving away my power by laboring over over my next move" (302)
"That night I let go of worrying, and I gave in to the joy of dancing into my future, no longer afraid of what was on the other side.
"... childhood dream realized"
"I was elated. And at peace" (304)
C24 - Brave Enough
"It We prayed that God would take away the nerves and remove any intimidation, ego, fear - anything that would stand in the way of connection." (309)
"Her eyes have a way of seeing inside of you; her presence invites you to unfold" (310)
"Now I just needed the courage to believe there was more on the other side. That I was enough on my own - without the title .... " (311)
"We all feel fear when we're about to do something great" (312)
"So do the things that girl [younger, ambitious, go-getter you] did yo get to where she wanted to be" - Ava DuVernay (312)
"I think the universe is calling you to be a little but braver right now"
"That divine confirmation ... that conversation gave me clarity" (312)
"I went to sleep that night with the kind of peace I had been chasing for months" (312)
Ravey you tap into this when you have your windows open, candles lit, music playing, reading and writing in your beautiful world.
Conclusion
"Our lives are a series of dreams realized" (315)
"But purpose is infinite" (315)
"Trust that life will continue molding you, challenging you, and readying you for your next next adventure. But only you can choose to walk away from what no longer serves you, to leave what you've already conquered, and to step boldly into what's next" (316)
"When you find yourself existing in the space between dreams realized, parts of you will feel too big for where you are, while other parts of you will feel too small for where you're going. Go anyway. Do not wait. Do not wonder if you can. Do not ask for permission. When you get lost, it's okay to stop, to look up, to look within for the answers - they're always there" (316)
• 19 March 2023 | Washington D.C. •