I don't think I'll ever stop being in awe of the multiple ways that I don't consider my body to be completely mine. I have been aware of it a lot more recently, because my boyfriend said to me "You decide! I don't know, it's your hair, what do you like?" I was floored.
I was in CVS sitting in the hair dye aisle, contemplating which box I should get. I didn't know what color would look good on me, and wanted as much input as possible. I texted my oldest friend Julia, who should be a hair dresser but isn't, and I FT'd my boyfriend. I got ticked the minute he was dismissive of my evident "life-altering" hair color deicsion, and his blatant disinterest. And then he said it.. "You decide! I don't know, it's your hair, what do you like?"
It was the simplest question, what color does Raven like for Raven's hair, but I couldn't answer it. I'm 21 and for as long as I can remember, I've called upon someone for their opinion on my clothes, hair styles, nail polish, etc. Anything that wold change my appearance, I wanted to make sure I had the OK from those that I figured knew best. Why? I have no idea.
That's a lie. I have an idea- I'm a woman and growing up it was a societal norm to ask other women for their opinons. Women are portaryed to go shopping, get their nails and hair done, get tattoos or piercings- all of these activities, together. It's like what we're supposed to do.. do everything together and be sure to ask your friends for their opinion. Disregard how may you genuinely feel about it, becauseif your cohort is against it then you probably just can't see what they see and should follow their advice. BONKERS.
Obviously this doesn't happen to everyone (reagrdless of where you identify on the spectrum), but this was my reality. It took his comment for me to realize, my opinion on myself trumps anything that anyone would say. If my own boyfriend, who spends more time with me than anyone else, could care less about how I look and just wants me to love what I look like - why wasn't I thinking like that?
It's a hard ass habit to break though, I'm not going to lie. Today I walked into a piercing shop and texted him "What type of piercing should I get?" and had to put my phone in my bag so I didn't see the answer (there was no answer btw, he literally just left me on read). I knew I wanted my nose repierced, but there was a BOGO deal and I was contemplating getting helix.
The literal thoughts going through my head were "What would my mother say?" "Am I going to look unprofessional?" "Will it match how I look?" - genuinely... who gives a fuck? Changes I make to my body, should only matter to me and the fact that they don't is a bigger problem than what I'm identifying for myself right now. I'm very blessed to live in a soeicty where my nose/ear piercings and small tattoo doesn't attract negative attention, nor jeoparaidze my standing anywhere. But I was cultrually taught that my body is up for opnions and that I should desire the approval of others.
I wish it didn't feel like a revelation to know that is false, and wish even less that this didn't feel like such a perosnal revolution. But it does.