I have a never ending list of htings to do, people to email, calls to make, meetings to schedule and on and on it goes. I worry about my school work ebcause it takes so much effort for me to even situate myself from starting it, that I then fear having to do anything that might take away my attention. I can ot work in small intervals, because I flourish when my headspance matches my enviornemnt.
It rarely happens. I'm never fully comfrtable here. I can't work at my aparement because it's the one place I know I can relax, so I do. I spend my Saturdays filed with small hangouts with my friends I've had to neglect the past week. My Sundays are for me. Well I say they are for me, but rarely do I not have to meet with someone, somewhere for something. I do not have days all for me.
Today I came close. Today I had nothing, and my plan was to pop an adderall that I've been saving and do work all day. Do my homework for the upcmoning week. Dive into my midterm that's due as soon as I return from Spring Break. Send out the eamils that are time senstivie. Write the cards I had already told people I wrote and need to send off. Be productive because I had the time to do so, and this shit needs to get done.
Today I cam close, but I did not succeed. I woke up to email from an Econ Professor I had been getting closer to. I had bene trying hard to meet with professors, especially him because he always had so much to offer me in terms of opporunitintes. His email, that included two other students of color, was wondering if we would be able to offer him insight as to why his brining John Bryant Hope to campus was seen as problematic for some students of color. He wanted to know if we had any possible solotuoiins to how he can mitigate this, but also, if we agreed with these negative senitments.
In other words, why brining a problematic speaker of color to campus became of issue to people of color, when all he (my cis white privileged professor) had wanted was to provide more opporountiies and acccess to campus.
I spent my day thinking of a rsponse. A day contemplating what had been said to me by my mentor, a woman of color in GBURG's 'White House,' who disliked him. A day thinking of the remarks made by a visiting professor in the AFS program, who actively chose not to attend his talk in fear that herphysical presence would indicate her approval over John's speech. A day contemplating why I was chosen to speak on this, with two men of color who are very estranged from the majority of students of colors on campus. A day ripping apart why the "pull yourself up byb your bootstraps" and "poverty is an attitude, a state of mind that can be changed" is jarring and hurtful to hear as a woman of color. A day in my head.
And what goes on in my head? A liteany of omments birthed from my poor mental health, anxiety, broken family, sexual assault and more. Brainstroming ways to help a cis white man understand why his actions had negative recprecussions on students of color- was not what I needed today. Today, a day that I had sworn to myself but lost to the thoughts in my own mind.
I lost today and ntohing changes.
I still have to do the homeowrk, emails, meeting snad more that I had put off until today- my supposed "work" day. But some, probably most, would say that it is my fauly for doing that. Procrasitnaing.
Not seieng that waking up daily is a challenge. Going to work 20+ hours a week is exhausting. Meeting with younger women of color to ensure that they do not drown, is drianing. Organizing meetings and events for students of color on campus, is necessary but time consuming. However, if I do not do it then I dmapen the inspiration for other women of color ooking to me for their own energy to keep oging. to keep fighting.
fight what? we barely understand it ourselevs sometimes, but we'll think on it. we'll talk about it. we'll read about it. and we will find a way to articualte what it is that we are feeling. but no. no we do not have a way to make you understand it yet. What we experience is based in the meotional rturmoil it's rooted in. turmoil I still do not understand.
No better than I understood generational trauma and how it appears in my genetics. Cultural erasure. Redlining. Preschool to Prison pipeline. Resume racism. importance of workplace hairstyles and attire.