His ending caught me -
The need to walk away.
The knowing that I can not stay here
And if I do
I will die
Spiritually first
Physically whenever
It wouldn't matter
b/c that life would have taken everything from me anyway.
I walked away from her.
But I'm sitting here in question,
was I too late?
Did I try too hard to make something of nothing
and lose myself?
I don't recognize me.
Not right now.
Not since I moved in with her in 2019.
Sitting in that room
So confused as to how I ended up back there
Clear answer being covid
but existentially - I was at a deep loss. I began grieving.
I thought life would've carried me far away from her talons
from the look in her eyes that made me aware she was not a mother
she was not aware of me
she was in her world
and I was a thorn in her side
I had believed I was bright, worthy, full of love
My life had reflected that
until it didn't
until my physical world became hers again
so i believed.
believed her.
believed I was dark, a devil, a bitch
unworthy of the life I had carved for myself
I'd always questioned it for myself
how did I travel? love? laugh?
It wasn't what I had known
but I found it
in me
in him
in my worlds
then I gave it away
released it all to the wind of her beliefs.
I should've never went back.
Should've been loud and visible in my desperation for a home.
Instead I was silent
I went to her
and in less than six months
I came to see her visions as truth.
four years later
two with no communication
and yet,
tonight I wondered if my community would choose me
if they could see the love and light in me
if that would shine brighter than any dark spots
if I'd be enough
for them to see past her.
• 2 October 2023 | Brooklyn, NYC •